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Food For Thought
03-05-2009, 10:20 AM (This post was last modified: 03-05-2009 10:22 AM by Pilgrim.)
Post: #1
Food For Thought
A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her:

"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you
see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before
and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're
instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then
you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at
which St. Peter put the HR Manager into
the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many
friends - past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they
talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and
afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak
and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice,
and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she
knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved
goodbye as she stepped into the elevator.

The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.
At the day's end St Peter returned.

"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly
lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
down to hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.

The Devil approached and put his arm around her whilst handing her a dessert spoon to clean out the nearby cess pit.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here,
and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster,
and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's just a
dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff."

"Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will." Don Francisco.
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03-05-2009, 11:08 AM
Post: #2
RE: Food For Thought
On the day J.S. Bach died he ascended to the pearly gates, where he bore witness to a battle for his soul between St. Peter and the Devil.

The Devil pointed out that J.S. Bach was a musician of extraordinary talent, and thus rightfully belonged in Hell with all talented musicians. Being timeless, the Devil illustrated his point with examples from Wagner to the Beatles to Kurt Cobain. St. Peter maintained that this did not matter, for J.S. Bach had dedicated almost all of his songs to God, and was in fact a very godly man.

"All right," the Devil said, "I will sue heaven for possession of J.S. Bach's soul."
"Ridiculous," St. Peter said. "You can't win such a suit. God himself is the judge, and in heaven we have all truth, all goodness, and we made the rules in the first place."
"Yes," the Devil said. "But in Hell we have all the lawyers."
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03-05-2009, 11:16 AM (This post was last modified: 03-05-2009 11:50 AM by Pilgrim.)
Post: #3
RE: Food For Thought
*Chuckles* 'ummm...Bar one, Jesus the great High Advocate.' said St. Peter 'And umm...He's never lost a case yet.' Big Grin

"Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will." Don Francisco.
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03-05-2009, 03:52 PM
Post: #4
RE: Food For Thought
"So they say," the Devil replied, "But then, God and I don't actually exist, and Jesus and you are dead, so if you start applying things outside the joke the humor sort of breaks down, doesn't it?"

And the Devil, God, and heaven and hell all disappeared in a puff of logic.
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03-06-2009, 05:50 AM (This post was last modified: 03-06-2009 05:51 AM by Pilgrim.)
Post: #5
RE: Food For Thought
(03-05-2009 03:52 PM)GTseng3 Wrote:  "So they say," the Devil replied, "But then, God and I don't actually exist, and Jesus and you are dead, so if you start applying things outside the joke the humor sort of breaks down, doesn't it?"

And the Devil, God, and heaven and hell all disappeared in a puff of logic.
"Not really replied St. Peter with a soft smile, not the least phased by the Devil's logic. You'ld have to prove that empirically of course to demonstrate that your logic stands. Other than that, it depends on whether you have a good lawyer or not and all your's are in Hell which kind of speaks for itself concerning their skills as advocates.". With which St. Peter took J.S. Bach by the hand drew him past the barrier into eternal bliss and closed the gate firmly in the Devil's face with a cheery, "Have a nice day." Wink

"Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will." Don Francisco.
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03-06-2009, 06:25 AM
Post: #6
RE: Food For Thought
You two just can't let it rest, can you? Tongue

"Humanity invented religion initially to overcome the permanent loss of consciousness that occurs at death and it was then taken over by groups who use it to control other groups" - Innuendo, from Def-Logic forums.
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03-06-2009, 08:13 AM
Post: #7
RE: Food For Thought
(03-06-2009 06:25 AM)Mr_Redneck Wrote:  You two just can't let it rest, can you? Tongue
And? Big Grin

"Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will." Don Francisco.
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03-06-2009, 12:39 PM
Post: #8
RE: Food For Thought
(03-06-2009 05:50 AM)Pilgrim Wrote:  "Not really replied St. Peter with a soft smile, not the least phased by the Devil's logic. You'ld have to prove that empirically of course to demonstrate that your logic stands. Other than that, it depends on whether you have a good lawyer or not and all your's are in Hell which kind of speaks for itself concerning their skills as advocates.". With which St. Peter took J.S. Bach by the hand drew him past the barrier into eternal bliss and closed the gate firmly in the Devil's face with a cheery, "Have a nice day." Wink

Except heaven, hell, God, and the devil had already disappeared. So St. Peter and J.S. Bach appeared on the next episode of Ghost Hunters. It was the best episode ever . . . of Ghost Hunters. But Mythbusters still gets better ratings, because they blow stuff up.

The End.
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03-06-2009, 03:39 PM
Post: #9
RE: Food For Thought
P.S. Except that this was only the declaration of the Devil and was one of those false endings because everyone knows that he's a liar and that declaring his own non-existence was just a ploy in an effort to get St.Peter to blink so that the Devil could snatch J.S. Bach in the interim. But St. Peter having delt with the Adversary on more than one occasion was fully aware of his schemes and didn't fall for it and the Devil's dreams crumbled to dust before his very eyes. Thusly, with a snarl he decended back to earth roaring like a hungry lion because he knew his time was even shorter now and he'd wasted precious moments arguing the toss on technicalities which he should have known always get thrown out of the Judge's Court even before they get there.

As for J.S Bach? Well, he went on to write greater and yet more wonderous symphonies of worship and praise which he couldn't help but do the second he looked his Saviour in the face and all Heaven rejoiced and spent eternity happily ever after which even the movie producers agreed was a great Hollywood ending even though they'd never make a buck on it.

The very end.

*Closes the book and tucks GT in wif his favorite teddy bear so the meaninglessness monsters don't get him. Leaves the night light on an the door open just a tad so he don't have nightmares and looks back fondly as he looks so innocent in his captain caveman PJs suckin' his thumb.* Nighty night Buckeroo Tongue Wink

*Fade to black*

"Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will." Don Francisco.
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03-08-2009, 08:02 PM
Post: #10
RE: Food For Thought
Seriously, Pilgrim, learn how to take a joke. I laughed at the "Here lies an Atheist: All dressed up and nowhere to go" tombstone. Tell you what, maybe you'll appreciate a joke about Fundamentalists.

So a baptist preacher decided that he was going to have an affair with an attractive female in his congregation. The problem is that both of them, being married with children, could not really go to each other's house, and so they decided to do the deed in church after services.

As they prepared for this event, they discussed where they should do it.

"Let's do it on the pew," the preacher suggested.

"No, the pew is too narrow, we'll fall off," the lady replied.

"Well, how about the floor?" the preacher suggested.

"No, the floor is cold stone, it will be uncomfortable," the lady replied.

After some thought, the preacher finally said, "Well, I suppose we could do it standing up."

The lady looked at him, shocked to her very core. "We can't do that!" she cried. "If someone were to look in and see us, they might think we were dancing!"
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