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Religious Humor
04-25-2011, 01:34 PM (This post was last modified: 04-25-2011 01:35 PM by IMtM.)
Post: #1
Religious Humor
One thing I notice that is lacking in religious texts and doctrine is humor.
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Quote:Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam replied that he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God agreed and told Adam that He was going to make him a companion and that it would be called a ‘woman.'

God then added, This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Surprised, Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost me?"

God smiled and replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a second and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest they say is history.
- Jerry (not Seinfeld!)
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04-26-2011, 08:01 AM
Post: #2
RE: Religious Humor
(04-25-2011 01:34 PM)IMtM Wrote:  One thing I notice that is lacking in religious texts and doctrine is humor.
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Quote:Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam replied that he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God agreed and told Adam that He was going to make him a companion and that it would be called a ‘woman.'

God then added, This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Surprised, Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost me?"

God smiled and replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a second and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest they say is history.
- Jerry (not Seinfeld!)

One day, several engineers were sitting and drinking beer at a local pub. As they sipped their brews, they began to discuss what kind of an engineer God must be.

One said, "Surely God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the amazing wiring and complexity of the human brain, the spinal cord, and the nervous system."

Another engineer disagreed. "Actually God is a mechanical engineer. How else could you explain the workings of the muscles, bones, tendons and joints that allow us to move about so freely and effortlessly!"

A third engineer sneered and said, "You are both wrong! God is a civil engineer."

The other two engineers argued back, "A civil engineer? How do figure that. It's ridiculous!"

The third engineer explained, "He must be a civil engineer. What other type of engineer would run a waste water pipe right through the middle of a recreation area???!!!"
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04-26-2011, 08:28 AM
Post: #3
RE: Religious Humor
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

If everyone was thinking the same thing, then no one would be thinking at all.
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04-26-2011, 08:39 AM
Post: #4
RE: Religious Humor
(04-26-2011 08:28 AM)EqualAtheist Wrote:  One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

I can't top that one, Equal!
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04-26-2011, 09:51 AM
Post: #5
RE: Religious Humor
I wish I had come up with it.

If everyone was thinking the same thing, then no one would be thinking at all.
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04-26-2011, 04:18 PM (This post was last modified: 04-26-2011 04:25 PM by Yefet.)
Post: #6
RE: Religious Humor
In Philadelphia there is a sign was in the window of a business
"We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew."

Ordinarily this might get me upset but I think its best to let Goldstein's Funeral Home, simply make their statement.

A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather rude with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday." At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly. "Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Frankelblum." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
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04-26-2011, 05:20 PM
Post: #7
RE: Religious Humor
@ Yefet
Those are hilarious. Cut them short...circumcision. LOL
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The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, it's Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
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04-30-2011, 05:34 PM
Post: #8
RE: Religious Humor
A man is walking home through Belfast when suddenly someone grabs him and pulls him into a dark alley, holding a knife to his throat. "Are you Protestant or Catholic?" the attacker hisses.
Thinking quickly, the first man says, "Er, neither, I'm Jewish!"
"Wow," says the attacker, "I must be the luckiest Muslim in Ireland!"


On a lighter note...
Heaven is getting a bit full, so St Peter can only let really exceptional people in.
A guy comes along and says "hey, you should let me in, I'm Jimi Hendrix." To prove it he plays an amazing guitar solo. "OK, in you come" says Peter.
Next comes Einstein. He proves his worth by explaining his theory of relativity. "Only Einstein himself could do that", says Peter, "in you come."
The third guy comes along and says "I'm George Bush, let me in."
"Well," says Peter, "we're pretty full. We can only let you in if you prove who you are by your talents. Jimi Hendrix played guitar, Einstein explained relativity..."
"Who the hell are Jimi Hendrix and Einstein?" says Bush.
"Mr Bush! Right this way," says Peter.
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05-01-2011, 04:32 AM
Post: #9
RE: Religious Humor
An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.
The christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, as so sets him free.
The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.
Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."
The moral? There's a time and a place for skepticism.

[Image: atheist-cartoon.gif]

He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how. - Nietzsche
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05-03-2011, 09:27 AM
Post: #10
RE: Religious Humor
Trevor arrives at the gates of hell and is met by a smartly dressed concierge, who greets him with "hello Trevor, welcome to hell, my name is Fred, please follow me". Trevor follows along dutifully and Fred takes him along a beautiful path lined with flowering trees and points to a lovely cottage off to the side a little and says "that's your new home Trev" Trevor notices a swimming pool and a tennis court beside the cottage and looks quizzically at Fred, "oh yes they come with the cottage". "Now just over there is the local hotel, where the drinks are free, on Fridays they have happy hour, when the drinks are twice as free". They walk a little further around a bend and there are six volleyball courts with 12 teams of the most beautiful women Trevor has ever seen, "that's the weekly tournament" says Fred, "only a few of the women bother to play, BTW all of the women are very nice and amenable, if you get my drift".
Trevor stops and says "wait a minute, isn't this hell?" "yes replies Fred, it's not as nice as heaven and there's no god down here, but it's comfortable, we like it" "what about the lakes of fire and the brimstone and suffering for eternity?" asks Trevor. "Oh that, follow me" says Fred.
They walk a little further and the further they go Trevor starts to hear screaming and crying and gnashing of teeth, it gets louder with every step. Suddenly they stop and Trevor finds himself at the top of a cliff, below he can see fire and lava and brimstone and men and women burning and screaming and crying. He looks at Fred dumbfounded, "oh don't worry" says Fred "thats only for baptists, well they asked for it?"

????????????????
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