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Roger
02-02-2010, 07:57 AM (This post was last modified: 02-02-2010 08:00 AM by minus459.)
Post: #1
Roger
Roger the plumber was involved in a terrible car crash and died. He duly fronted up at the pearly gates and St Peter scrolled thru his Ipad (what you think Steve Jobs thought of it first?) shook his head and said "sorry Roger the plumber but you have to go in the DOWN elevator".
Now Roger the plumber was a very easygoing sort of chap, just liked to do his plumbing. So he strolled over to the DOWN elevator thinking to himself " I thought I was a chance to go UP", but not wanting to cause trouble climbed aboard the DOWN elevator.
Roger the plumber arrived in hell and was dragged off to Satan's office and made to kneel before Satan himself. Satan let out his most evil, spinechilling, diabolical laugh and said "now you are all mine Roger the plumber and you will suffer for eternity in the firepits of Hell". Now Roger had noticed (being an observant chap) that Hell was bloody HOT. He pointed out this observation to Satan, only to be met by that same demonic laugh.

TBC
Now as we heard earlier Roger the plumber loved plumbing, so he suggested to Satan that he could make Satan's office a much more pleasant place to work.
Well Satan thought about this (after all he'd been down there a helluva long time) and decided that he might as well enjoy some perks that no-one else in Hell could have, after all he is the Boss.
So Satan set Roger the plumber to work. Now Roger the plumber was a natural at plumbing, not only did he love it he was an artist, a genius. So in due course Satan walked into his office one morning to a heavenly 26deg C. Oh and it was good, Satan almost swooned, but caught himself before heaping praise on Roger the plumber (after all He's Satan)
Instead he told Roger that because of his endeavours he would place him in one of the cooler firepits for eternity, and over a long time like eternity that can make a big difference. Now Roger being very easygoing, though still wanting to do more plumbing, accepted his fate and started walking out the door with Satan by his side. When the door opened and the heat of a million blastfurnaces hit them Satan let out an expletive "Jesus fooking Christ, come back in shut the door". So Roger the plumber did as he was told.
Satan looked at Roger the plumber and said "this won't do" the scowl on his face could have peeled paint. So Roger the plumber, ever so reluctantly , offered to dismantle his handiwork.
"Pigs Arse" yelled Satan, loud enough for Australia to hear, "I want you you to do something about the outside. Can you do that?" Now Roger the plumber was pretty sure he could do anything, when it came to plumbing, so Roger the plumber assured Satan that he would improve the rest of Hell and off he went to set about improving the temperature of Hell.
Several millennia passed and true to his word Roger the plumber turned Hell into nothing short of paradise, man made lakes, waterfalls, tropical islands, pristine beaches and Satan was most pleased.
Roger the plumber was now Satan's right man, as long as he kept everything running then Roger the plumber and Satan were Great Mates.
About this time St Peter looked over the precipice and saw what looked like paradise, he looked behind himself and he looked down again rubbing his eyes in disbelief and started to run to God to tell Him of what he had seen.
When God walked over to the precipice with St Peter (thinking to himself that maybe old St Pete had been into the ambrosia again) He was amazed at what He saw. Lakes, waterfalls, palm trees, beaches and there on one of the beaches was Satan lying on a cabanna, dacquiri in one hand big cuban in the other, now lying next to him on another cabanna was a human that God didn't recognise so he asked St Peter who it was. St Peter scrolled thru his Ipad, almost wore his finger out, but eventually told God that it was Roger the plumber. Now while he was looking the screen updated to reveal an up green arrow where there had been a down red arrow. "oops" said St Peter "there seems to have been a software glitch several millennia ago and he should be up here."
"Roger the plumber" intoned God, "he must be the one who's made all of these changes. If this gets out we'll be ruined, we have to get him up here, then without his expertise it will all breakdown and Hell will be restored to what it was."
"Hey Luci" God yelled over the edge "yeah whatta ya want" came back Satan's reply. "There has been a mistake and a man named Roger the plumber should be up here, so could kindly send him on up?" ha ha ha ha laughed Satan "not in YOUR lifetime" ha ha ha ha. "But it was a computer glitch, Pete just found it" "That's what you get for using equipment made by SODE" God looked at St Peter with a raised eyebrow, "Spawn Of Devil Enterprise Sir" sheepishly. With a glare God said "we'll sort that out later"
"Luci if you don't send him back up here, the I will SUE"
Satan's laugh could be heard in the farthest corners of the universe, oh how he laughed and not his evil, demonic laugh but the belly laugh of hearing the funniest joke in the existence of eternity.
"what's so funny? asked God.
Between gasps Satan managed........"where are you going to find a Lawyer" and started laughing again
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